STATUTORY WARNING: Like election manifestoes, this interview is the product of sterile imagination and as such must be taken as seriously as political parties take their manifestoes. Any similarity with real happening is to be taken as orchestrated co incidence.
Abdul Qadir | Team TrickyScribe: Hello and welcome Prashant! Thank you for finding time for my newly launched platform ‘Water with Qadir’.
Prashant: Giving interviews is my new 24X7 job. You need not thank me. And then you did not invite me for the interview. Being a simple person, I do not wait for invitation for interviews. I just roam around the studios and barge in wherever there is any scope. I am here at this startup studio as the regular channels are too busy with the PM who is giving an interview to all and sundry.
Interviewer: Thank you for your honest modesty.
[PK grins!]
Interviewer: Before we proceed further, let me know whether you have brought water to get properly hydrated or should I arrange water for you. I can only arrange tap water for you as this startup cannot afford costly bottles of mineral water.
Prashant: Do not worry. I have brought plenty of Ganga jal along. After all I am the real son of mother Ganga as I am from Buxar and not from Vadnagar.
Interviewer: Please make it sure that you take only enough water to keep your head and body hydrated. Beyond that the hydration may percolate down to the chair!
Prashant: Do not worry. In that case, I will gift you a new chair altogether.
Interviewer: Let me ask why did you agree for an interview with Karan Thapar, a self proclaimed devil.
Prashant: It was not a planned affair. I just felt dehydrated and as such went there for hydration. And then Karan is a well-known ‘hydrator’. One beneficiary of his hydration skills climbed up to the top post. Who will not give his right shoulder for being similarly hydrated?
Interviewer: How do you select your clients?
Prashant: Winning potential! I select only such clients who, in any case would have won the election. Prashant Kishor or no Prashant Kishor!
Interviewer: What should be the qualities of a good political strategist?
Prashant: A good political strategist must also be a good what they call a Weather Scientist or a Mausam Vaigyanik. He must always swim with the tide.
Interviewer: Who is your role model?
Prashant: Imam Bukhari!
Interviewer: What, Imam Bukhari ? How could the Imam be your role model?
Prashant: The Shahi Imam was the first Mausam Vyganik of Indian politics. In 1977, the year I was born, Imam Bukhari read the mood of the Muslim voter and accordingly gave a call to oust the Congress. The Muslims would, in any way have voted against the Congress for the Turkman gate incident and forced sterilisations. But a clever Bukhari walked away with the credit. Three years later, the Imam once again correctly sensed the Muslim mood and accordingly issued statements in favour of Indira Gandhi and Indira Gandhi made a dramatic come back. And the rest as they say is history! Similarly in 2014, Modi would have won hands down even if I were the poll strategist for the UPA.
Interviewer: Why did you leave team Modi?
Prashant: I had to quit as Modiji knew my real worth. Had I been there how would you have known that I made Modiji win the 2014 election. Modiji never acknowledged my contribution. I worked ‘25 hours a day’ to make Modiji the Prime Minister of India. Nor did Amit Shah ji. Amit Shah ji was even jealous on account of my proximity to the then Gujarat CM.
Interviewer: You are being self contradictory. In one breath you say that Prashant Kishor or no Prashant Kishor Modiji would have been the PM in 2014. Then you say that you worked 25 hours a day to make Modi the PM!
Prashant: Where is the contradiction? Both statements are equally and simultaneously true!
Interviewer: Coming to the controversy that dehydrated you in the Karan Thapar interview. Did you not predict Congress rout in Himachal and Telangana?
Prashant: No, I never made such a wrong prediction. I said that Congress will get ROOTED in Himachal and Telangana. They read the ROOT as ROUT. Am I to blame for that? That is why I insisted on videographic evidence. I am not obliged to do the proofreading for the newspapers. I am ‘man enough to admit my mistakes’. Not for those I never made.
Interviewer: What do you like the most in PM Modi?
Prashant: There is nothing in Modiji to be disliked about. But his innovative approach to politics is really enchanting. Look, he brought, buffalo the most under privileged milch cattle at the centre stage of the Indian electoral discourse. Could anyone else have done that? Ever since the 1952 elections, the cow has been an election issue. But all these years, the buffalo has been neglected. But for Modiji buffalo would never have hogged the limelight. Earlier Laluji made a feeble attempt to bring buffalo in the limelight. But he limited himself to his buffalo riding skills. It was Modiji who gave buffalo its due. Buffalo is much more than a milch cattle. It is a symbol. A symbol of aspirational India. The aspirational Indian wants to have as many buffalos as he can. He can give his life but not the buffalo. What a masterstroke.
Interviewer: What made you quit the poll strategist’s job?
Prashant: There are two reasons for that. Number one I was grossly undervalued. You see a rookie like Sanjay Yadav, Tejashwi’s poll strategist effortlessly made it to the Rajya Sabha. By that standard I deserved to be a cabinet minister in the Modi govt. My contribution is any day more than Smriti Irani’s. And then I have been with every national and regional political party worth its name. So, I have no place to go. The lefties do their own election management and the result is there for everyone to see. Now I have become a quack psephologist and I am enjoying my new job.
Interviewer: PM Modi won more seats in 2019 when you were on the other side of the political divide.
Prashant: Foot soldiers win mere battles. To win wars you need a Trojan horse!
Interviewer: So, you were a Trojan horse planted in the opposition camp?
Prashant: Did I say that? Show me the videographic evidence. No no, I will not allow you to get away with that lie. I am calling the bluff. You show me the videographic evidence of me calling myself as a trojan horse or be ‘man enough’ to apologise. Give me some water. Even tap water would do. Now I know why you call yourself as the ‘angel’s advocate’. I have nothing to do with angels. Devils take better care of me.
[Prashant takes down the mic and walks away]
A political satire penned down by senior scribe Abdul Qadir.
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